Bob's Journal

July 21 2021

Photo by Keegan Houser on

Target Audience: Survivors of Abuse, Christians


I am not a health care professional. I am not trained as a counselor. I do not give people advice. I try my best not to fix others. I am, though, someone who has battled chronic depression and anxiety for most of my life. This article does not have any outside research, because this is like a journal entry that I am posting on this blog. I believe that problems can get lighter when we bring them to a community as opposed to suffering in silence. I believe that silence intensifies the pain and often prolongs the suffering.

What Happened

Wednesday was a glorious summer day and I couldn’t resist the temptation to go out grocery shopping. I do not have a vehicle any longer and am quite happy taking public transit. As I am a disabled senior, I qualify for a special bus service, so I can schedule to be picked up and dropped off at my apartment building. I went into the grocery store and they were kind enough to watch my walker for me while I used the scooter they provided. I did my shopping, then decided to get a coffee at a coffee shop located in the parking lot of the plaza. I bought the coffee, had the server put it in a tray for me, then walked back to the grocery store where I was going to sit and wait for my bus.

I carefully lifted the walker off over the curb, although there was a cutaway a short distance to my right, but I didn’t see it at the time. I lifted my bag of groceries off the walker and flipped the coffee on the ground. What a dumb mistake, right? I was so angry at myself because it was so careless.

When something like that happens I have for most of my life spent time beating myself up because I was careless, which of course we all are from time to time. It didn’t matter that the same accident could have happened to anyone. It happened to me and I felt intense anger at myself. I can trace this back to my childhood where my father would accept nothing less than perfection. My mother was much more relaxed and I am not sure why her attitudes and messages did not take root as deeply as the negative messages that I got from my father. Now, in fairness to my father, I don’t think he intended to plant the anger and the negativity in me. I think he merely wanted me to strive to do better.

I sat on the sidewalk for probably 10 or 15 minutes muttering to myself about how stupid I felt. Then I finally decided to go across the parking lot to the same coffee shop (there is also a McDonalds in the parking lot as well), and get another coffee. I walked back, but I only had 35 minutes before my bus would be there. I was really tense. Muttering to myself in the coffee shop (yup, muttering to myself in line at the coffee shop), I bought the second cup of coffee, walked back to the grocery store, used the cutaway this time, then decided to sample some of the cherries I bought earlier. Trying to balance the coffee, I splashed some of the scalding hot coffee on my hand, and immediately tossed the cup on the ground. Mercifully, I was alone on the sidewalk. Had there been anyone else there, I could have burned someone else. It was bad enough that I got burned myself.

As I look back, this particular coffee shop has never had good coffee cups. They are too thin and when I used to order from them I would always them to double cup the coffee. I am not sure if that would have helped, but I have decided that unless I have somewhere to put the cup down, I am NEVER going to try to balance coffee while sitting on my walker again. In the province of Ontario, I am not sure coffee shops can fill a thermal cup — COVID restrictions.

I was still rather angry at myself when I got home. I bought two chocolate chip cookies, which I inhaled when I got home, then I realized I didn’t have much prepared for supper, so I ordered a pizza. I am trying to lose weight, but lately I have had my troubles.

Today I am fine. I am scheduled to meet a friend at a local McDonalds and I am hoping that we can sit on the patio and drink our drinks without having to flip our masks up after each sip. Here’s to moving beyond COVID.


How did you feel when you read this post? Do you have any insights or thoughts to offer? Comments help us connect to the larger blogosphere, and they also help me develop this blog and as a writer. Please share your thoughts.

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